Parenting Styles: French Laissez-Faire vs. Korean Intensive Management

 

Parenting Styles: French Laissez-Faire vs. Korean Intensive Management

Every parent in the world wants what’s best for their child. But what "the best" looks like, and how to achieve it, is a question answered very differently across cultures. Two of the most distinct and fascinating approaches can be seen in France and South Korea. The popular image of French parenting is one of calm, almost hands-off authority, or laissez-faire. The Korean model, on the other hand, is famous for its intensive, hands-on management focused on educational success.

As of September 2025, from my perspective here in Suwon, these are not just different parenting fads. They are profound reflections of the societies they exist in—one that values the well-rounded individual, and another that demands excellence in a hyper-competitive landscape.

The Parent's Role: Calm Authority vs. Active Manager

In the French parenting philosophy, popularized by books like Bringing Up Bébé, the parent is the undisputed, calm leader. They establish "le cadre," or the frame—a firm structure of rules and expectations. Within this frame, the child has a great deal of freedom, but the boundaries themselves are not up for negotiation. A parent's "no" is a firm, final answer, not the beginning of a long, emotional debate. The goal is to cultivate respect for authority and self-control from a young age, with the parent acting as a guide, not a peer.

Contrast this with the dominant Korean model, where the parent, particularly the mother, often takes on the role of a highly active, full-time manager of the child's life. This role involves meticulous planning of the child's schedule, from school to a series of private after-school academies (hagwons), constant monitoring of academic progress, and providing logistical support for a packed daily routine. This isn't passive guidance; it's an all-consuming, hands-on role driven by a deep sense of responsibility for the child’s future success. The parent is the CEO of the "child project."

[Image collage: On the left, a stylish French parent calmly observing their child playing independently. On the right, a Korean mother looking over her child's shoulder as they do homework.]

The Goal of Education: A Well-Behaved Citizen vs. an Academic Elite

The French approach to education places a strong emphasis on raising a socially adept and patient human being. Learning to say "bonjour," to wait patiently for a snack, to eat what the adults are eating, and to play independently without demanding constant attention are considered crucial life skills. While academics are important, they are part of a broader education in how to be a well-behaved and considerate member of society. The focus is on the whole person.

In South Korea, education is laser-focused on academic supremacy. This is a rational response to a society where a person's entire life trajectory is seen as being heavily influenced by which university they attend. The entire education system is geared towards one climactic, high-stakes event: the national college entrance exam, or 'Suneung' (수능). A child's life, from kindergarten onwards, is often a meticulously planned journey of building the "specs" needed to succeed in this intense competition. Education is not just about learning; it's the primary battlefield for a successful future.

The Child's Freedom: Independence within Boundaries vs. a Scheduled Life

A core tenet of French parenting is fostering independence. Children are expected to learn to play by themselves and not be the constant center of the universe. Adult time, such as dinner parties, is for adults; children are expected to greet the guests politely and then go occupy themselves. This isn't neglect, but a deliberate strategy to teach self-reliance and respect for the autonomy of others.

The life of a typical Korean child, however, is often highly scheduled and managed. After a full day of school, their evenings are filled with a series of hagwons for English, math, piano, or Taekwondo. "Free time" itself can become another scheduled activity. This intensive scheduling is born from a parent's deep love and desire to give their child every possible advantage. However, it leaves very little room for the kind of unstructured, independent play and "productive boredom" that is central to the French model.

A Reflection of Society: 'My Life' vs. 'Our Child's Future'

Ultimately, these two parenting styles reflect the core values of their societies. The French model operates on the belief that the parent's adult life should not be completely sacrificed for the child. The goal is a balanced family, not a child-centric one, where parents continue to be individuals with their own needs.

The Korean model is a powerful expression of parental sacrifice, rooted in the deep cultural concept of 'jeong' (정). Parents, and the family as a whole, are expected to pour all their resources, time, and energy into the child. The parent's fulfillment and the family's honor are often directly tied to the child's academic and professional achievements. In a society with less of a social safety net and more intense competition, a child’s success is seen as the family’s ultimate security. Both are acts of love, just programmed for very different worlds.

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